Q&A with Fr Flader: Divorce and children

Divorce always has serious consequences for the children, no matter how old they are.

Even when the children are married themselves, they suffer with the divorce of their parents, whose marriage gave them confidence that they too could stay together “until death do us part.”

There have been numerous studies on the effects of divorce on children, including one that looked at more than five million children, and the findings are consistent with one another.

Naturally, the effects can vary greatly from one marriage to another, but overall, they do not paint a pretty picture. Among the effects are the following.

Divorce can disrupt a child’s sense of security, stability and predictability.

Children may struggle with sadness, loneliness, or fear of abandonment. They may feel angry toward one or both parents and they may struggle with conflicts of loyalty between parents.

They commonly experience confusion, guilt and anxiety because of the divorce.

The stress and distraction caused by the divorce often lead to lower performance at school. Adolescents may be more prone to delinquency, substance abuse, and early sexual activity.

The teen pregnancy rate rises substantially, from around seven girls per 1,000 to 13. Child mortality also rises, from ten deaths per 100,000 children to 15 annually.

Among the long-term effects, many children have trouble trusting others or forming healthy relationships.

They carry lingering issues such as fear of commitment and difficulties with intimacy in adulthood.

What is more, the divorce of parents leads to the increased likelihood of divorce in their children’s marriages.

This is easy to understand. The children have not had the benefit of experiencing the stability of the marriage of their parents, and they have not seen how disagreements and conflicts can be resolved peaceably.

Another long-term effect on the children is increased rates of incarceration and lower rates of tertiary college attendance.

Also, there is an increased risk of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and attempts, as well as substance abuse of alcohol and drugs.

The increase of youth crime in recent times can be traced back in many cases to dysfunctional families and broken marriages.

To address the issue, governments, rather than simply applying more strict penal remedies, should do everything possible to address the cause of the crime by supporting families and marriages, as well as religious institutions of all faiths, as these have a significant positive influence on the stability of marriage.

This is a more long-term solution, but it is more likely to achieve the desired effect.

As is to be expected, not all children are severely affected: Most children do not end up with the more extreme negative outcomes.

Many adjust reasonably well, especially if the divorce is handled with sensitivity, with good parental support and minimal conflict.

Nonetheless, all of this is telling us that parents should do everything they can to stay together, especially getting counselling to help them resolve their issues.

Naturally, if there is domestic violence or other serious relationship issues, the parents can separate, but this too has many of the same negative consequences on the children as does divorce.

In one way or another, the children always suffer from a marriage break-up.

As Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers puts it, “When the going gets tough in marriage, the parents lay down the cross – and the children pick it up.”